Thursday, April 29, 2010

Social networking, my eye!

"Let me repeat that - there is absolutely, positively no reason for any middle school student to be a part of a social networking site! None." - NJ Principal (attempting to move the planets).

Well, there's no reason for any middle school kid to play football for that matter. Kids get hurt, injured. Or join the Science Club (Future meth heads, start your engines!). Or to participate in a middle school dance. (As the Eagle's said, "There'll be a heartache tonight... ) Not to mention the fucked up shit that kids can watch after school at their best friend, Jimmy's house whose dad subscribes to EVERY porn channel possible.

Teacher: "Hey Billy, what did you do after school?"

Billy: "Me and Jimmy watched 'Jugg Fuckers #9' on Skin-o-max. It was awesome."

Teacher: 'Oo."

Quite frankly, a social networking site doesn't register a tick-turd's worth of harm or psychological trauma on the grand scale of life in the "middle school fast lane."

Jesus, haven't you figured it out: School is dangerous. School is a diabolical adventure. School is a series of jumps, twits, front-flips, and other acrobatic Jackie Chan-like moves performed daily, in between the hours of 8:30 am and 3:30 pm.

Hell, school causes cancer. (No, seriously.. those soy burgers?! What DO they put in those things? Ground up midgets?)

I admire them being concerned parents, but the best way to protect your kid from bad people is to talk to them. Like, about everything. And make sure they're not nuts. And if they are, put 'em in therapy. And talk with 'em some more and keep tabs on them without smothering them. And then talk with 'em EVEN more. (See a pattern?)

You signed up to be a parent, but don't put the kibosh on every single social thing your kids want to do -- it will just agitate the situation. And somehow, I don't think Social Networking should be at the top of your list.

And there's too much crazy shit around the corner.

'Cause I'm telling you, when this 3D Virtual Reality porn hits the TV... whoa, baby...

You know what...let's just leave the social networking to the parents...

Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

3 Step Solution to Bullying

All kidding aside, if you are ever bullied - DO NOT KILL YOURSELF.

In response to the recent events surrounding who is to blame for the suicide of high school student Phoebe Prince as a result of bullying by her schoolmates, we have come up with a 3 step solution in lieu of taking one's own life:

1. First, buy a pair of brass knuckles. They can be found at most Army/Navy stores OR you can find them online..

2. Next, buy some heavy duty industrial mace. Not that department store shit, I mean the stuff the cops use..

3. Wait until next confrontation with your bully(s). Spray the bully(s) in the face with the mace, (the beauty of the spray is that you can hit several bullies at once very quickly), then hit them repeatedly with the brass knuckles.

This 3 step process will catapult the bully(s) into a whole new reality.

I'm pretty sure the bullying will stop, for at least 3 to 4 weeks while they are recuperating in the hospital. If necessary, visit them in the hospital close to their release and repeat the above 3 steps for even longer lasting results.

Or you could just do what these kids do...