DAUGHTER: Daddy, I want to borrow your new Ferrari.
FATHER: Uh. But I haven't had a chance to drive my car yet. It's only got 9 miles on it.
DAUGHTER: (pouty) But daaaaaaaddddd...
FATHER: Sweetie, it's worth $1,000,000. Just drive the Bentley, okay? Please?
DAUGHTER: (more pouty) But daaaaaaaddddddyyyyyyy...
FATHER: Oh, jeee-zus. Okay, but just around the block. If you even scratch it, there will be hell to pay, understand?
DAUGHTER: Yeah,yeah,yeah...
30 MINUTES LATER.
Ring, Ring. Ring, Ring.
FATHER: (answering phone) Hello?
DAUGHTER: (long pause on phone line) Uh, dad?
The story ends with the father hanging up the phone and forgetting he even had a daughter. Later that day, he emptied the family joint bank account and hightailed it to Argentina. He's now quite happy living under the name 'Keith Krush', and working as a super star DJ.
Look.. we here at Bad Kids Go to Hell totally lay down to the awesomeness of another blog, and you just can't beat CRACKED for their top 5 and top 10 lists..
"Let me repeat that - there is absolutely, positively no reason for any middle school student to be a part of a social networking site! None." - NJ Principal (attempting to move the planets).
Well, there's no reason for any middle school kid to play football for that matter. Kids get hurt, injured. Or join the Science Club (Future meth heads, start your engines!). Or to participate in a middle school dance. (As the Eagle's said, "There'll be a heartache tonight... ) Not to mention the fucked up shit that kids can watch after school at their best friend, Jimmy's house whose dad subscribes to EVERY porn channel possible.
Teacher: "Hey Billy, what did you do after school?"
Billy: "Me and Jimmy watched 'Jugg Fuckers #9' on Skin-o-max. It was awesome."
Teacher: 'Oo."
Quite frankly, a social networking site doesn't register a tick-turd's worth of harm or psychological trauma on the grand scale of life in the "middle school fast lane."
Jesus, haven't you figured it out: School is dangerous. School is a diabolical adventure. School is a series of jumps, twits, front-flips, and other acrobatic Jackie Chan-like moves performed daily, in between the hours of 8:30 am and 3:30 pm.
Hell, school causes cancer. (No, seriously.. those soy burgers?! What DO they put in those things? Ground up midgets?)
I admire them being concerned parents, but the best way to protect your kid from bad people is to talk to them. Like, about everything. And make sure they're not nuts. And if they are, put 'em in therapy. And talk with 'em some more and keep tabs on them without smothering them. And then talk with 'em EVEN more. (See a pattern?)
You signed up to be a parent, but don't put the kibosh on every single social thing your kids want to do -- it will just agitate the situation. And somehow, I don't think Social Networking should be at the top of your list.
And there's too much crazy shit around the corner.
'Cause I'm telling you, when this 3D Virtual Reality porn hits the TV... whoa, baby...
You know what...let's just leave the social networking to the parents...
1. First, buy a pair of brass knuckles. They can be found at most Army/Navy stores OR you can find them online..
2. Next, buy some heavy duty industrial mace. Not that department store shit, I mean the stuff the cops use..
3. Wait until next confrontation with your bully(s). Spray the bully(s) in the face with the mace, (the beauty of the spray is that you can hit several bullies at once very quickly), then hit them repeatedly with the brass knuckles.
This 3 step process will catapult the bully(s) into a whole new reality.
I'm pretty sure the bullying will stop, for at least 3 to 4 weeks while they are recuperating in the hospital. If necessary, visit them in the hospital close to their release and repeat the above 3 steps for even longer lasting results.
We began our March signing and promotion tour in South Padre Island... Spring Break 2010...Think "Girls Gone Wild" meets "Bad Kids Go to Hell" because that is exactly what it was... As we get on our way from the southern tip of Texas up to the Great White North on our little road trip, we have become a little nostalgic for what has brought us to this point...so we started looking up some youtube videos of trailers of some of our favorite movies...and as we stop in Nashville to do some promoting, we remembered a certain movie that is very inspirational to us...After viewing the trailer you will understand why... Sure, you knew "Heathers" and "The Breakfast Club" influenced "Bad Kids Go to Hell." But we bet you never saw "Massacre at Central High!" And if you have...you are the baddest! This is as classic as it gets...so appreciate it for all it's worth...or else we may have to whip out a clip of "The Dynamite Girls"...(the precursor to "Thelma & Louise")...
Okay, so last Friday I was lucky enough to make a midnight screening of "Black Dynamite," at the Inwood Theater in Dallas, Texas.
Although the film has been out on DVD and Blu-Ray for several weeks, the theater seemed like a better way to experience this "bad assss" homage to the blaxploitation films of the 1970’s. The theater was recently refurbished, replacing standard movie theater chairs with couches and beanbags...and by recently, I mean that I was actually able to find for me and my bitches a comfy beanbag that hadn't yet been stained by delicious fruity sodas or other fluids of the night! (How perfect fo' this flick.)
"Black Dynamite" was fan-fuckin-tastic! It knocked out my two front teeth with a roundhouse kick of black fury! From start to finish, this mother fuckin' kung-fu flick never let up on the action or comedy! The constant jump-cuts, the frame penetrating shotgun mic’s, and the characters (Crème Corn, Sweetmeat, and my personal favorite: Tasty Freeze) made this movie feel like an ACTUAL blaxploitation film. And, of course, "Black Dynamite" is filled with memorable dialogue that kind of sticks:
"Fiendish Doctor Wu! You done fucked up now!" and "You diabolical dick shrinkin’ mother fuckers!" just to name a couple that I'll be sure to be repeating for quite some time...and most definitely to be read in some of my future blog postings, when there's just no other way to express what I'm saying.
So, the next day after seeing the movie, I found myself at the rental store trying to find a copy of "Black Dynamite." Sadly, all of the copies had been rented, and I was forced to go home Black Dynamite-less wearing a big frown on my face. (Hopefully, with the success of this movie there might be a sequel to continue the amazing adventure of Black Dynamite).
If you haven’t seen "Black Dynamite" yet, please do so. Once you do, your movie collection will not only grow by 1, but you'll be satisfied knowing that America has been made just that much more bad ass.
Now, let me be clear: The Doors NEVER drove into the desert and dropped acid. There was NO mysterious Mister X that "broke it down" to Jim Garrison about who might have wanted JFK killed. And Jack the Ripper was NOT a member of ANY royal family , (NOR a Freemason) who killed whores in a cover up!
So WHY would you think any EOD team member would ACTUALLY run around Iraq like a cowboy (with wire cutters?!?!) defusing deadly explosives and shit, while putting other team members at risk?
If it's on celluloid, it's just one thing: Entertainment.
And in its defense, a damn good piece of entertainment at that. Please give this movie the Oscar!
And "yes," even the Michael Moore stuff is nothing but entertainment, bitches. They don't ACTUALLY give you guns at a bank.
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